On writing a personal statement

As you are probably unaware, I am at that stage when it is essential for me to finish my university application and send it off to mini goblins who decide if I can carry on with education or if I will spend the next couple of years flipping patties at MacDonald’s. And I sit here, desperately trying to tweak my personal statement so it sounds just right so I have a chance. No chance I can assure you, but good try. I deserve at least a peppy pat on the back. And you may be able to tell from my tone and lexical choice that I am pissed off.

As I try to re-make and re-structure my opening paragraph I seem to be stuck, so stuck that after a few tries I break down and cry in the bathroom. This continues for long enough to make me feel shame for every fibre of my very being (and this is more of a rant so I don’t actually care if I make sense). Whilst almost breaking my keyboard I am still stuck in this shit-hole. How do I write something that is good enough? Nope. Not going to happen. But I might as well try, but what the fuck do I write. Can you see my dilemma?

I turned to my friends for advice and to me; because I’m so frustrated already they are not helpful or useful in any kind of way. Sorry guys, it’s not you, it’s me. So as I pick up Terry Pratchett’s Shaking Hands With Death, desperately trying to find a good introduction only to find the word ‘firstly’, I throw the book across the room. Not my wisest decision but it’s a book, it’ll survive. Shut up word, I don’t need your grammatical errors. NO ONE CARES. Nope not going away…. Well…

For my personal statement I wanted to sound clever, I wanted to start off with a negative i.e. I was not interested in blah before blah. But according to a certain teacher that I am putting way too much trust into, this simply will not do. So back to the drawing board.

Ideas include:

  • Fuck these bullet points are thick
  • Prepare to be amazed
  • I’m too good for this shit, I’m going back to MacDonald’s
  • Many have said, you should become a stripper, but no I choose youuu

I’ll work on them in my spare time i.e. now, but not with you, you can’t see. My ideas are too garbagy to display before refined. One day you’ll see where I’m coming from. One day I will just give up and throw at you all of the verbal diarrhoea that comes out of my face. AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT.

Nah, but that’s all from me my darlings, till next time.


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