A brand new shiny headline came out of BBC entertainment news today it reads: ‘Grey: New Fifty Shades book ‘stolen’’. Since this bares no interest to me whatsoever I began to investigate:

The book itself is the exact same thing as the others (regarding the plot); the only difference being it’s told from a different perspective (Christian Grey’s). Millions of fans are now awaiting its retrieval, whist calling up their ‘girlfriends’ to arrange another masturbation circle for the release date: June 18- this being the birthday of Christian Grey.

After reading a few articles based on the same hopeless story my instincts, however pointlessly, ‘surfed’ me over to look into The Sun’s take on this mystery, only to be uselessly bombarded with adverts that look like diarrhoea smudged over your front door, but all neatly tied up with a colourful bow to give the impression that YOU WANT THIS AND ITS CHEAP.

Surprisingly this phenomenon is not being widely reported, my sources are limited. No one appears to be giving any comments and it does not look as though anyone knows what happened nor do they give a shit. Simply spoon-feeding the fans tension. WILL IT RE-APPEAR FOR THE RELEASE DATE?????

My best guess is a middle aged, lonely woman on the publishing team ‘borrowed it’ as a ‘bathroom’ read, and the novel will soon return with some pages wet, some pages stuck together. Or a slightly more likely scenario, this is a publicity stunt which is not getting as much ‘hot buzz’ as the team had hoped for.

In the end we find out that everyone is freaking out about it being sold prematurely or released without money being cashed in. so there you go, The News, 2015.

Now get out.


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