Spring clean your mind, bro.

Spring is upon us, it’s like a fat man rolling over in bed, only to discover you submerged into the mattress and HALLELUJAH you can breathe once again. Yes my friends, winter appears to go by faster than that one night stand you had.. but the shame lasts.

As I sit here thinking about my valentine (BBQ chicken pizza), I noticed that people are setting themselves new goals and are ‘cleaning out’ their life (feel free to give me a call, I’ll clean out your fridge), this being a metaphorical version of spring cleaning, I’m unsure of the details however it seems as if this means to get rid of any unnecessary thoughts or even individuals that are currently in your life.

Surprising. I guess the ‘New Year, New Me’ is a concept of the past, only to be replaced by an equally stupid trend. Creating goals for spring is not a completely idiotic idea however, personally, I can’t even get through a set of goals which were meant to be completed in less than 24 hours e.g. Eat some salad, you fat bitch. And so I will simply be watching from the sidelines with my, now, fiancée Dominos BBQ chicken pizza, as you, my army of ‘spring cleaners’ choke on your own spit as you attempt to “think your way out of a thinking problem”.

So here’s my take on it, some people require a specific ‘event’ to realise that their life needs to be tweaked as only now do they realise that twerking on Thursdays isn’t the best idea. Cool. So…Now Get out.


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